You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
