I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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