He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
