so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
