i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
