Soap is not a condiment
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
