found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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