Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
