So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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