You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Randomize
