I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
