just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
