I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
