You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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