I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize