It was confusing and full of hummus
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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