Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He uses pillows to masturbate.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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