He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
