Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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