I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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