OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Come on in and take your pants off
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