i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
