So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
