My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
