At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
