She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
