happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
