No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
