the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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