i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
