I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
