I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
