Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
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