If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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