The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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