He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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