My nipple is on Facebook.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
