If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
