If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
