I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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