I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Randomize