I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
