i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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