yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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