id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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