Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
