Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
