Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
