I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
