Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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