she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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