My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
