i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
