I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
