so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
