I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
True strength comes from lack of pants
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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