If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
