Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
