apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
