theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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