Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
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