by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
